Winter 2019

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“…of course, parents are not the only ones raising their children. They
are being raised also by their schools and by their friends and by the par-
ents of their friends. Some of this outside raising is good, some is not. It
is, anyhow, unavoidable.”
(Wendell Berry, “Family Work” The Gift of the Good Land, 1981)
I came across this quote the other day and thought it pro-
foundly appropriate for an article on mentoring. This quote
was in a larger piece by another writer whom I appreciate,
but it captured my attention because it was Wendell Berry. Not
that I’m particularly familiar with Berry or a fan of his, at least
not yet.
Several months ago I was on the East Coast visiting my aging
father. The house he and my stepmother shared for years was
being sold, and the tangibles of furniture, framed art, and so on
that would not follow my now-widowed father to the nursing
home were being dispensed to family, friends, and charities. This
specific visit was for me to go through his library and select the
books I wanted to ship back to add to mine. Among the wide
range of books I browsed was one of selected poems of Wendell
Berry. Because my dad liked him, I wanted to read him to better
know my dad.
It’s informal, but what occurred in that small experience was
just that which we are discussing: mentoring. In this case, it was
my father who mentored me, introducing Wendell Berry to me
by passive example so that when a poignant quote was put in
front of me I would be more attuned to the author’s name. In
most cases, however, mentoring, by historic context, is not done
by parents but by others. Mentor was a character in Homer’s
writings. And when Odysseus went on his decades-long jour-
ney, it was his trusted friend named Mentor who raised and
trained Odysseus’s son.
Mentoring will happen to our children no matter what. As
Berry said, some will be good, some will not be good, but it is
unavoidable. But when we are intentional as parents, we can
minimize the not good and maximize the good.
I started thinking back through my life to consider who my men-
tors were. I have to admit that I can’t think of one that my father
intentionally set in front of me to learn from, though he strongly
encouraged reading. And there are authors that I notice as ones he
would recommend and the occasional ones he would specifically
not recommend. I suppose books have been the mentors my father
pointed me to. And those who know me would not be in the least
surprised.
But I can’t say I’ve had any formal mentors except for two. One
summer, when I worked for friends who owned an auto parts
store, the father and grandfather who owned it took me under
their wings. While the formal aspects lasted only for a summer, I
am still grateful – even more grateful now – for the time, money,
and energy they invested in me. The other was the older brother
of a college classmate of mine when I pastoredmy first church. He,
too, was a pastor nearby. And hemade it his kind and encouraging
business to check up on me and give me both counsel and oppor-
tunities under the guidance of a more seasoned minister. My first
pastorate was not easy, but he eased the challenges that face any
first-time pastor by being to me what he was to my classmate – a
big brother.
I thought then of who I might have given tomy children asmen-
tors or whom they might have chosen. I think the first that each
of my four children would identify would be their piano teacher.
She was (and is) exceptional, as far as we are concerned, in her
ability to relate to children without pandering to them. Each of
our children have become very proficient: all participated in the
Bill Riley State Fair Competition, all have performed for events,
and three are actively involved in their respective churches’music
ministries.
But what their teacher taught themwas more than that. It was
a love and appreciation for music in its fullness. Her passion trans-
ferred to each of them in different ways, but I still see her “finger-
prints,” especially when my children are together and discussing
music. I have always loved music and shared that love with my
children, but their piano teacher infused something more.
A second mentor I can think of was my younger son’s basketball
coach, who not only mentored him but all the young men in the
Finding Good Mentors
BY JOHN DESAULNIERS