19 / 28
WINTER 2019
HOMESCHOOL IOWA 19
Christ, we allow them to make their own decisions, which includes
allowing them tomake their ownmistakes. Nothing brings me tomy
knees, both literally and figuratively, than the fact that I no longer
am in control of my kids’ minor or major decisions. Even when our
children are small, we do not have complete control. There can be
health issues, learning disabilities, character struggles, and so much
more. While we do all we can to help them to be healthy, to learn to
the best of their abilities, and lovingly give consequences for sinful
behavior, we still do not have complete control. We must rely on the
Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. We must go to God in prayer over
both our very minor and very deep concerns for our children. To not
pray for our children is doing both them and us a great disservice.
We should also pray with our children as we go through our day.
If you hear that someone in your church is ill, you can stop and pray
with your children about that. If you are butting heads with one
child in particular on a given day, stop and pray about it together.
My daughter-in-law prayed with her one-year-old that their base-
ment would not flood during a heavy rain, as it had a history of
doing. (God chose to say “yes” to that prayer, and it didn’t flood.) In
fact, Alissa prays with little Kate on a regular basis about both big
and little things. Kate will always remember having a Mom who
thought prayer was important.
From the time your children are old enough to articulate their
thoughts until well into their adulthood, ask your children how you
can pray for them. You may be surprised at their responses. Perhaps
you have not known how to pray for what is most near and dear to
their hearts. By asking them this question, not only will you be able
pray more specifically for them, but you will get to know them better.
Build a Relationship with Them
I know I have said this in previous articles, but it can’t be empha-
sized enough. Children spell love“T-I-M-E.”Our children thrivewhen
we spend time with them. Having them“help” us with housework,
even before they are truly helpful, shows them that they are more
important to us than getting our work done perfectly and quickly.
Sitting down and playing a game with the children in the evening,
when we’d rather be relaxing on Facebook or reading, shows them
that we love them more than our personal entertainment. Read-
ing to them, even when we have to fight sleep while doing so, lets
them know that we care for them dearly. They may not be able
to articulate any of this, but their little hearts know when we love
them enough to sacrifice and spend time with them. On the flip
side, they also know when our electronics, hobbies, perfection in
housekeeping, and other earthly things are more important to us,
at least on the practical level, than they are.
Rather than spending a lot of money on your children and buying
them expensive toys and video games, spend your time and money
having quality and quantity time, adventures, and experiences with
them. Minister together with them by serving others. Laugh togeth-
er. As I alreadymentioned, pray together. As your kids get older, have
long talks around the table about everything from what happened
in your day, to theology, to your opinion on a movie you watched, to
politics. At these times, listen and talk, give your own input, but try
to avoid lecturing. If your children, especially older children, teens
and young adults feel they will be lectured or “taught” every time
they open their mouths about something, they will clam up.
Part of building a loving relationship with our children is to give
consequences for sinful behavior. Being an involved parent doesn’t
always mean being a fun parent. In fact, there are many times we
should not be fun parents. As I have said in other articles, a simple
statement of the sin committed and how it is dishonoring to God
and to us as their parents is usually far more effective than a long lec-
ture. There should nearly always be consequences for disobedience
and sin. Occasionally there will be an extra sensitive child whose
behavior is changed by a stern glance or a few words, but most chil-
dren need consequences that will be remembered and deter them
from doing this behavior later. Some day your children will be grate-
ful that you helped instill self-control and obedience into them.
Don’t ever be too proud to ask your children’s forgiveness when
you sin against them. If you speak harshly, if you discipline them in
anger, if you break their confidence, you should ask their forgiveness
and be very specific about your sin against them. Frommy personal
experience (though, of course, there are exceptions), one of the big-
gest reasons teens and young adults become bitter is when the par-
ents are too proud to admit that they are wrong sometimes.
Some of our children are more prickly than others. It is harder to
have a close relationship with them because they are born question-
ing everything. They also seem to realize much earlier than our other
children that Mom is not perfect. These children need a relationship
with us as much as children who are easy to get along with. It is hard-
er but, by God’s grace, we can still build this relationship. While we
still need to give correction when needed, it is important to let them
know how much we love them. We need to smile at them when they
enter a room. We need to listen when they need to talk, even if we dis-
agree (though they should never be allowed to be disrespectful). We
can and should give correction. We should admonish. We should be
consistent. But ultimately, we cannot control their attitudes and be-
havior, but we can control our own. We can respond in love and grace,
even if they are pushing every single button we have and we feel very
unloving at the moment. Just to give you some encouragement, I am
now very close to the child that I butted heads with for years.
Some Final Thoughts
Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Each of our children are
unique. They each come with their own strengths and weaknesses.
We might think we have this parenting thing figured out when God
sends us another child who is nothing like the rest or a new situa-
tion might arise that we have never dealt with before. But with every
child and in every circumstance, we can point our children to Christ,
pray for them, and build a relationship with them.
As I ponder the last 27 years, my main emotion is gratitude. I am
grateful that God gaveme these five precious children. (This has now
extended to a daughter-in-law and granddaughter.) I am blessed to
have been able to homeschool them. I am thankful for the relation-
ship I have with each of them. And most of all, I am so thankful that,
as of now, they all love and serve the Lord. I know this is only by the
grace of God, and I do not take it for granted.
“Children spell love “T-I-M-E.”
Our children thrive when we spend time with them.”