Summer 2016

7 / 24

SUMMER 2016 HOMESCHOOL IOWA 7
AA MOM CAME UP after our session on raising boys. “My son is
so frustrated and angry. He can’t understand why we won’t let
him get his driver’s license, but he’s so immature still!”
“How old is he?” I asked.
“Eighteen.”
My eyebrows went up,
“What is he planning to do next year?”
“Oh, he’ll be going to a university,” mentioning one many
hours away.
I was concerned she didn’t believe he was mature enough to
drive, but was prepared to stand up for his beliefs in the college
environment. We continued to talk, and after a while she men-
tioned that she hadn’t spoken to her parents in over twenty years.
“Oh no! What happened?” Breaking contact permanently is
the capital punishment of relationships.
“My parents just wouldn’t let me grow up! They kept treating
me like a child, not letting me do adult things, so when I was
nineteen I ran away and never looked back.”
I paused, stunned. “Perhaps you should reconsider and allow
your son to get his driver’s license.” She suddenly turned white
as a sheet as she realized for the first time that she was doing the
same thing to her son.
So, what kind of parent should you be? Benevolent dictator or
trusted advisor?
Well, it depends on the season of your child’s life. A toddler is
in desperate need of a benevolent dictator to teach him the law
of God and the rules of civilization, but if we haven’t transitioned
to the role of trusted advisors by the time our children are on
their own, we’ve made a grave error.
As we travel around the country, we meet many Christian
families. Unfortunately, quite a few great families seem to falter
during the transition from childhood to adulthood. We’ve no-
ticed that the adult children of parents who retain control too
long tend to either rebel or become passive, lacking drive and
motivation. This is especially true of boys. God made them to be
men. He made them to lead.
Of course, it’s right and proper to train them to obey! “Rath-
er, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the
leader as one who serves” (Luke 22:26, ESV). As they get older,
though, we’ve got to prepare them to stand alone and to be
adults. We won’t always be there and even if we could be, they
need to learn to rely on God themselves. So how do you do
that? How do you move from a benevolent dictator to a trusted
advisor?
“One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much”
(Luke 16:10, ESV).
We give them as much responsibility as they can handle, as
soon as they can handle it—and a little sooner than they think
they can. That way, instead of pushing us away so that they can
stand on their own two feet, they are reaching back to us for
advice!
The process starts the first time you give them a job on their
own, “Put all the toys away,” and it doesn’t end until you’ve got a
young man who’s taken his place in the world, serving the Lord
on his own. It’s not easy to figure all this out, but it is worth it to
see those arrows fly out straight and true!
Hal and Melanie Young, authors of Raising Real Men, are par-
ents of six real boys and two real girls. They have homeschooled
through eight high-risk pregnancies, three relocations, two de-
cades, and 181 degrees of longitude. Hal and Melanie have served
on the board of directors of North Carolinians for Home Education
for over fourteen years, including three terms as President for Hal.
Hal and Melanie’s articles have been printed in numerous maga-
zines and publications and they have made more than fifty media
appearances. They are sought-after conference speakers who rou-
tinely draw standing-room-only crowds with their mix of uniquely
entertaining cross-banter and practical, powerful, Scriptural prin-
ciples. The Youngs live in noisy familial bliss in North Carolina.
BY HAL AND
ME L AN I E YOUNG What Kind of Parent?